I’m a coach, working with creative professionals.
My clients are actors, artists, authors, designers, film-makers, photographers, writers — many of them at the very top of their professions.
You might think these people have no issues with confidence, that their inner critic is largely silent. But you’d be wrong.
This is a story about two separate coaching sessions, with two different singer/songwriters. I’m sharing them here in the hope that it’s helpful.
Coaching sessions are confidential, so I’m not going to tell you who these two are, or go into much detail. But they both gave permission for me to share this version of their story.
Session 1: She is a brilliant and successful British singer.
She had lost confidence, especially in media appearances. So her label booked a coaching session with me to prepare for her next round of promotional interviews.
“Who do you think of as confident?” I ask.
She names a successful male artist. He’s always so relaxed, casual, low-key, she explains. So in charge.
He just saunters onstage, without nerves. And without needing all the dressing up and hiding behind costumes she has to use in order to perform.
In the studio, he knows exactly what he wants and how to ask for it. Whereas she hints, or simply goes with the flow — then ends up either sulking and creating drama, or not using what was recorded because it wasn’t the sound she was reaching for.
In interviews, he always comes across as articulate, witty, entertaining. Whereas she gets her words in a twist, can never think of the right thing to say. Then she covers up her embarrassment with a loud, false laugh.
Session 2: He is also a successful British singer.
He books our session directly. I’ve worked with him before, and we talk every now and then. This time, he wants to discuss some changes he wants to make before his next big tour.
As he prepares to go onstage, the critical voice in his head starts screaming, “You’re a fake! You don’t know what you’re doing.”
Every time, he’s convinced that this will be the night the audience see it too, and walks out. Or starts laughing.
“Can you make it stop?” he asks of his inner critic.
Nope, I say. But I can help you turn down the volume, perhaps get it to talk to you more politely.
I ask him who he sees as confident.
He names another singer, currently high in the charts.
He loves how natural she always is, how real. How she owns the stage when she performs, holding the audience rapt without needing to jump about and beg for attention like he does.
Her albums are different each time, but always powerfully, unmistakably her own. He’s not sure he knows who he is, creatively. Even now, after so many successful albums. There’s a lot of angst, a lot of preparatory work before he goes into the studio to record new tracks.
And she’s always so warm and authentic in her interactions, with that gorgeous laugh. Whereas he just clowns about and cracks stupid jokes in interviews, to try and get people to like him.
You’ve probably guessed by now.
They were talking about each other.
You’re probably familiar with these two artists. If you ever listen to the radio, you’ll certainly know some of their biggest hits.
If I asked who you see as confident, in control, the chances are you might mention one of them. (People often do.)
The truth is, success can be lonely.
And even at the top, it’s never perfect. Success, fame, money: we think they will solve all our problems, but often they only amplify them.
Those insecurities, that nagging inner critic never really goes away. Though there’s a lot you can do to tame it.
In our session, I helped the first artist to see her strengths more clearly, and polish some go-to anecdotes to use in interviews. We also practiced ways of asking for what she wanted, clearly and without apology. But without added drama, too.
With the second artist, I shared some tools and techniques for quietening his inner critic. And we explored how he might pace his next tour differently, now that he has a partner and child.
But my main takeaway from this?
- We’re all insecure, no matter how confident we might seem to others.
- We all feel we’re mind-readers. But we can never really know what’s going on in other people’s heads.
- We cannot know how others perceive us. And they’re very rarely looking at us as closely or as critically as we think they are.
We are all unique and brilliant, in our different ways.
We can work on our flaws, or learn to hide them better. Though they’re very rarely as visible as we think.
But we also need to know our strengths, and celebrate them. And lean into our weirdness, our quirks, our imperfections. Because they can become what people love most about us.
I’ve always loved this Oscar Wilde quote: “Be yourself. Because everyone else is taken.”
PS If you’re interested in the inner critic tools I mention here, I recorded this workshop to share some of them.
What do you think?