It’s not easy, learning to say no
But we’ve been all been sold a big lie. We feel that that everything in our lives can and should be perfect, that we can have it all if we just get a little more organised, more disciplined. If we buy the right products, and manage our time better.
But no life is ever perfect. And you simply can’t do everything, no matter how organised you are, how much help you enlist, or which software/gadgets/life-changing products you use.
Saying yes to one thing will inevitably mean saying no to other things, and we have to learn to pick carefully. Busy shouldn’t be a badge of honour, and life shouldn’t feel like we’re running up the down escalator, 24/7 without ever taking a moment to be fully present, and enjoy what we’re doing.
It’s a short word, no.
Just two letters. But it can feel sharp, spiky, difficult to say out loud. Many of us are uncomfortable with it. So we try to upholster it with apologies and excuses, attaching it far too often to another short word, ‘Sorry.’
We get tangled up in a forest of guilt and obligation, often sign-posted by words like should, must and ought. We don’t want to offend. Or to seem selfish. If we’re honest, we also like to feel wanted, needed, in-demand, busy. But most of all, there’s that persistent, nagging fear of missing out.
FOMO costs us dearly
It makes us say yes to a low-paying and tedious freelance job because we’re worried we’ll somehow scare away other work if we learn to say no more often.
FOMO makes us agree to social events even though we’d hoped to prioritise a creative project that week.
FOMO makes us commit to performances, interviews, talks and events that are unlikely to move anything in our creative lives forward but.. well, they make you feel important; the cause was worth supporting; or the person asking you was just so damn nice.
Time travel can help with this.
Towards the end, when you’re looking back on your life, what will you regret more?
Missing out on a few dinners and after-work drinks, not doing a talk in a tiny bookshop or gallery 100 miles from home? Or never finishing the musical you wanted to write, starting that sculpture you imagined, or launching that cool business idea?
It’s all about balance.
We need fun, connection, time with friends, time to goof off and play. We also need to promote our work, and build an audience for it. And it’s brilliant that our creativity helps us fund-raise or draw attention to important causes and campaigns.
But what if saying no for a month or two will enable you to progress or complete a project that’s important to you?
It’s not forever. When you’ve done the work, you can focus on friends and family, and lavish attention on areas you’ve temporarily neglected.
You can also say a big, whole-hearted yes to new things. And really mean it.
Consider your future self
The most challenging no often involves an event far enough into the future that it’s easy to discount what it might cost you, in terms of time, energy and focus.
If someone asked you to travel for several hours next weekend, then give a free talk or performance to a small audience, you’d probably say no. But when they invite you a year in advance, you’re much more likely to agree.
By then, you imagine, the urgent stuff will all be done, and you’ll finally be luxuriating in all of that ‘spare’ time you’ve been looking forward to. So why not? But eventually, that date next year will become next week, and it will turn out that time is just as short.
Is it a ‘hell yeah?’
Again, time travel can help, here. Some good questions to ask, before committing to something that feels far into the future:
- If the event were next week, would you be looking forward to it?
- Will it be the best use of your time and energy?
- Will Future You you resent doing it, and wish you had said no?
Derek Sivers, author and founder of the indie music network CD Baby, says that if his immediate response to a proposal isn’t, “Hell yeah!”, then it’s a no.
It’s a great way of measuring how you really feel. And it ensures that you always have the space to say a big, whole-hearted yes when something truly thrilling comes along.
Saying no gracefully is a skill
Which means you can learn to say no, without being aggressive or rude. Simply acknowledge the person, or the opportunity that’s being offered. Then say no. Without inflicting your apologies or long explanations:
“Thanks for thinking of me, your event sounds amazing. But I’m not available/that won’t work for me/I’m not taking on anything new that month.”
If you’d be open to doing it later, say so. But only if you mean it.
“I can’t do your festival this year, but please consider me for next year, when I’ll have a book/film/album/exhibition to promote.”
If you can, you might even want to suggest alternatives. When turning down work, I often ask if they’d like recommendations for other writers or coaches who might appreciate the opportunity.
How to set new boundaries, and reclaim your time
Saying no to something you’ve done in the past can be harder than turning down something you’re being asked to do for the first time. But we all have a right to change our minds, or set new boundaries.
Here’s the process:
- Acknowledge your past behaviour.
- Set the new boundary.
- If the person/organisation asking is important to you, suggest alternatives, or offer to work it out with them. There’s often a way to make the situation work for everyone.
- If there isn’t, or they’re unwilling to accept your new boundary, you need to decide: is this a deal-breaker? If so, make that clear. And walk away if they can’t respect that.
An example: dealing with scope creep
We all dread those clients who add to jobs at the last minute, change the brief—and don’t expect to pay for the additional work. Here’s a sample script, showing how to use the steps above to set new boundaries.
“In the past I’ve answered your queries and responded to changes in the brief, no matter what time of the day or night you contacted me.
“I now need healthier working hours and more concentrated time to produce quality work for you and my other clients, so I’m only taking calls or answering work emails from 4-5pm on weekdays.
“I’ll also allow up to three changes, but then charge extra for further work. If you have worries about this, I’d be happy to chat to you about it. Call me any weekday, 4-5pm.”
If a client can’t respect such a clear and reasonable request, stop working with them as soon possible. Put your energy into finding new clients who will respect your work hours and who know what they want, rather than continuing to answer calls at 10pm, or redoing work because they’ve changed the brief.
Just say the word.
Learn to say no, clearly and gracefully. And do it far more often. Future You will thank you for it!
What do you think?