Stretching your circle of influence

My mum, who is 85, has been confirmed with Covid-19.

She has been in hospital for three weeks now, desperately ill, after having surgery for a breathing problem. No one has been able to visit her. She is breathing through a tube, so she is unable to speak. She is 200 miles away from me, alone and scared. All I want is to be with her.

I’m not going to even pretend I’ve handled this well. And I’m certainly not the only person whose been in meltdown over the last few weeks. I have no answers. No one does, though there are brilliant doctors, scientists and experts who are working very hard to find the answers we need.

Until then, we are all scared. We are all worried about our loved ones, our businesses, our future.

This is the strangest of times.

And it’s tough, for all of us. What has helped me is taking five deep breaths, every time I’ve felt myself clenching with fear or anger. Then asking what is in my control – my circle of influence – and what is not. 

In his classic book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Steven Covey talks about our circle of concern (the things we worry about, but have little or no control over), versus our circle of influence (the things we do have control over, where our actions can make a difference). He suggests widening your circle of influence as much as you can, by choosing to focus only on what you can control.

Here’s my list, in case it helps you work through yours.

My circle of concern, right now

What I’m worried about, but can’t control:

• My mum’s health
• The spread of the virus
• The news
• How our Governments and leaders are responding
• The stock markets
• Other people’s behaviour
• Whether there is food or toilet roll in the supermarkets
• The weather
• The economy
• When we get to move about freely, and go to work again.

My circle of influence

What I can control, and act upon:

• The texts I send my mum. Also the way I talk on the phone to the NHS staff who are working hard to look after her, and all their other patients. 
• How much I read about the virus. (Enough to stay informed, and fight for the tests and treatment my mum needs. But I really don’t need to know the exact number of confirmed cases in every country in the world.)
• How often I check the news.
• My response to what our Governments and leaders are saying and doing.
• How often I check the stock markets.
• What food we are buying and eating. Not using or stock-piling any more toilet roll than usual. 
• My own behaviour. I can stay at home, as instructed. Wash my hands frequently and thoroughly.
• How I help others.
• What I’m doing with my free time.
• How I help and support my friends, particularly those who are in lockdown alone. 
• My own thoughts.
• My own attitude and mindset.

Choices I’ve been making, this week.

I’m afraid I haven’t had the energy or the inclination to go on the hectic schedules of self-improvement and home workouts that some people seem to be embarking on, in the first flush of lockdown. But this week I have tried to be positive, to concentrate on my circle of influence. And it has helped. Enormously. 

I’ve cleaned the greenhouse of winter grime, and sowed seeds. No matter what happens, in six weeks’ time, we will have salad! 

I’ve gone through our expenses and cut back as much as I can, to help us through this period of enforced unemployment.

To make up for sleepless nights, I’ve rested in the daytime when I needed to, instead of pushing on through. 

As a family we’ve eaten as well as possible, made sure we’re drinking plenty of water, and kept moving, getting as much exercise as possible.

I’ve cut back on hitting the refresh button on newsfeeds constantly, scrolling through social media, and having TV news channels on in the background. Instead, I’ve watched films, read a lot, and chatted to friends on Zoom.

I’ve been careful of what I’ve watched, read, listened to, choosing to avoid numbing activities such as pointless computer games (my particular escape when I don’t want to think or feel).  Jack Kornfield’s interview on the Tim Ferriss podcast was particularly useful, for me.

I’ve talked to my clients, to find out what they need, and how I can help. As a result, I’ve developed something I’m calling The Little Call of Calm, an hour-long call using my coaching skills to give people tools they can use, to help them through this difficult time.

I’ve also written in my journal. A lot. One of the things that has been useful is to remember that although we don’t have the option to avoid the current crisis, we do have a choice in how we respond to it, in every moment.

Our choices, right now.

We all know about PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). But there’s a growing trend for academic research into post-traumatic growth. Psychologists have observed that when people come through life-changing events such as this, they can find it transformational, growing rapidly and finding strength and resilience they wouldn’t have believed themselves capable of before their trauma occurred.

We’re already seeing an extraordinary spirit coming through, with people singing out of windows, applauding and appreciating their health workers, reaching out and helping each other, or making pivots they couldn’t have imagined before, in their businesses or in their lives. 

We might just have a choice in how we let this affect us, psychologically.

Most of us are on a kind of enforced retreat, right now.

We wouldn’t have chosen this. But we have been given time to consider what’s really important to us, and who we’d like to be, when it’s over. (Because it will end, eventually.) Some questions to ask:

• How will you grow?
• What will you learn?
• What qualities do you want to show during this time?
• And what would you like to have strengthened, through these difficulties?

For me, the next few months are about kindness, connection, creativity, communication and contribution. Those are  values that are important to me, the ones I want to use to guide me during this difficult time. Just deciding that is giving me the direction and purpose I was lacking, a week or so ago. 

So what now?

I’m going to end this by saying that yesterday, my mum sat up in bed for the first time. She still can’t speak, and her breathing is terrifying to hear. But she’s texting now, and asking questions. She’s still very scared, but she’s showing signs of recovery.

There’s a long way to go yet, and I’ve no idea how it will work out. It’s been difficult for me, not being with my mum, and at least able to hold her hand. That’s why it’s important we all heed the advice we’re being given. Older people are particularly vulnerable, but I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. So stay safe, and do all you can to protect yourselves and others. 

Archbishop Desmond Tutu once said, “Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.” When you can, choose to focus on the light. We’ll get through this.